excuse my drivel

Oh, aren't I just the little vixen.

2005-06-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe today even happened. I'm still in denial, really. Wanna hear about it ? Of course you do. Okay, so................oh about 4 or 5 weeks ago, or so, I can't be certain because I have no real concept of time, don't ya know, I joined the classmates.com site. I think I wrote about it before. So I happen to notice that this boy who I had a HUGE crush on in High School belongs to the site. For 2 or 3 weeks I go round and round with myself debating the wisdom of writing him. Finally I decide to.....which was inevitable from the get go, since, well since it just was !!! So, I send him this nice little letter basically saying..." I'm sure you don't remember me, or if in fact, you even knew me at all, but I had a huge crush on you in H.S." I wrote more than that, obviously. And it was a charming little letter if I do say so myself. I get a response back within an hour or two. He" doesn't remember me, but he's flattered nonetheless"

We start writing each other. Telling each other our life stories. Over 40 years total to cover....quite exhausting, but enjoyable. Nothing untoward AT ALL. Reminiscing about school and the people we remember. And as often happens, we begin (well me mostly) to almost unload our worries and burdens on the other.....and get advice back. Which is nice, because where else are you going to get unbiased opinions on your shit ??? Or should I say.....unbiased opinions on your shit that doesn't cost 200 bucks an hour, and a nasty drive through rush hour ??? (never been, just heard stories)

All of this is completely above board, completely innocent....when this morning, or possibly yesterday...I can't remember, it's all become a blur now......he askes me if I'm still intimate with the husband I revealed to him has become more like a roomate than a husband. I tell him "yes, because sometimes you've just got to" etc. etc...... And then I ask him if he's happy with his sex life? (Hey, HE started it) Innocent enough, or so I thought. We live 2000 miles apart. I have NO intention of seeing him. Ever!! And I wasn't going to let this go anywhere smarmy and unsavory !! That's just not my thing.

Forgot to mention.....he'd sent me his cell no. and I'd sent mine back. But we hadn't spoken yet. So this afternoon, I get a call. IT'S HIS WIFE !!!! The same wife who apparently had been reading (unbeknownst to him) all of the e-mails we've sent back and forth. Not the kind of call you want to get !! She threatens me in no uncertain terms that" You are to write him and tell him that you can't talk to him anymore " and "He is NOT to know that I know about this" "He is NOT to know that I've been reading his e-mails" And if he finds out she will " Call my husband and my son and tell them about these e-mails !!!"

She repeats the threat 5 or 6 hundred times. I get the message. I do. I apologize profusely. I tell her, even though it was completely innocent ...I could see how it appeared to be heading in a dangerous area. ..........and that I'm not about causing problems in peoples marriages....which I truly AM NOT. She gets in 7 or 8 more threats.....and then has the lovely courtesy, that could only be ingrained by the best of upbringings to say ...........wait for it.........."Thank You".

He calls me (for the first time ever) only nano seconds after she hangs up.......and I tell him EVERYTHING !!! I do. Every little detail. Threaten me ?? I don't think so. Oh, no I don't. Uh uh. I ask him to play along and not "out me" to her. I write him a rather beautiful and heartfelt missive about how "upon reflection, I've decided that it would be best if we stopped speaking to one another" and blah blah......................................................................................................................... blah...................................................................................................................................blah blah.

I will however keep my promise to not speak to him any further, because while it WAS innocent enough..............and I had no intentions of letting anything else transpire, I don't want to be the kind of person who willingly or unwillingly screws over another womans marriage. Like I said before...I just don't do that.

I'm a a pacifist and a gentle woman, but if she ever threatens me with my SON again........I WILL come after her. And if I hadn't been so stunned when she called me, I would've told her that to begin with. And then I'm going to show my husband the letters.............so this" woman that threatens people on the phone" has nothing on me.

But I do have a question for her..............What are you doing being married to a man that you feel the need to snoop into his personal, private "shit" like some little weasel. If he's a cad ( how old AM I ??) then maybe you should leave him.. You can't control another human being and you can't make them love you ( although, by all accounts he DOES love his wife) So, what the hell are you doing anyway ??

Ouch

2005-06-07T01:55:00.000-07:00

I had, last night, a dream I've had many times before. And what it is...is that I'm late for something and I'm trying to get a contact the size of a dinner plate in my eye. What does it all mean ?? Anyone ?? God knows that's the least of my worries, but what the hell does it mean, and why do I keep having it ???

my dog is a nut

2005-06-03T14:11:00.000-07:00

But I love her to bits !! I do !! I had to take her in for a grooming appt. this morning. She gets so anxious, that she's hiding in a little corner of the floor of the car. Poor thing. And I even gave her a quarter of one of her "doggie downers" to calm her down. They're kind of minty, but they get stuck in your teeth. (kidding, of course) But still she was just a little quivering mess. Poor thing...I try to calm her with sweet nothings as I'm driving, but she just looks up at me with these sad , big ,watery eyes. Talk about your high drama. And then what's funny is when I pick her up to take her home ( which I should imagine will be any minute now) she always acts a little offish with me.....like she's punishing me, but then soon decides to forgive me and then acts like she thought she'd never ever see me or our house again. Even though we've been thru this routine countless time. What a sweet little spirit she is. I really love my little pup !!!

High Drama

2005-06-03T01:35:00.000-07:00

I tried to have a deep, personal talk with a dear dear friend of mine the other day concerning feelings and intentions. I told him I thought it was important for me to have clarity in my life and that I was getting mixed signals, and I didn't want anyone to get hurt. He responded in an EXTREMELY vague way. He might as well given me nothing for all the clarification his response gave me. And then....to add insult to injury, he told me to "try to not be so dramatic in life"
This is a man who will talk your ear off. But if you try to get anywhere near his "feelings" you could just die waiting !! He's got nothing for you !!
Hello! I wrote back heatedly that some of us don't think that communication is dramatic. Some people aren't afraid to talk about their feelings and I said that"I was proud that I had the balls to share my feelings with other human beings" and that I thought that it took a certain kind of strength to do that"

Why are some people so afraid to talk about things that matter? I know some people (MEN) who would rather pluck out their own eyes then talk about their emotions. What's the old line about an unexamined life is not worth living?? Life is'nt going to go away like snow or acne if you ignore it long enough. The people who care about you may very well, though.

When I die, I'd like to be able to imagine that those who are left will have felt that they knew who I was. I mean REALLY knew me. And that just doesn't happen by just "showing up" You have to be able to "open up" as well.

writing my crush

2005-05-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

I joined a web site a few weeks ago......the one where you can contact old friends from school. So right after joining, what do I spy, but my high school crush !!! A guy who I don't think I ever even spoke to. A guy I never shared a class with. And a guy who probably didn't even know who I was.
I went round and round with myself about whether or not to write him. I didn't want to freak him out......or think I was too creepy !! But today, finally, I decided to write him to tell him..."hey, you don't know me, but I had a huge crush on you in high school. Isn't that weird?" I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point. To my surprise and delight...he wrote back immediately. He seems polite and nice. Eloquent and funny. I assured him that I have no uterior motives ( which I don't) and he seemed genuinely interested to hear about my life. I may have just made myself a new little e-mail friend. Who'd have thought it !! Life is funny.

What a day for Mom's

2005-05-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well...both my mother and my mother-in-law where taken by ambulance to the hospital today. On the same day. Both of them. What are the odds ? Anyone ?? They're both fine now. Thank God !! Both father's were lost last year, and just the thought of losing one of them is beyond unbearable.
To make matters even worse was the fact that my brother-in-law called to tell me of my mother-in-law, and for some unknown reason, he always speaks to me as though I were profoundly retarded. Or perhaps a mildly stupid 2 year old. And he was a patronizing child hater. I don't know which it is, but I DO know that it annoys the hell out of me, and one of these days he is going to call me at the wrong time and I am going to let him have it. It's like..." How are youuuuuuuuuu ??? Oh, goooooooooood !!!!" I really just want to slap the hell out of him. He's a salesman....is that it ?? He must suck at selling anything, I should think.

Someone out there is sicker than me

2005-05-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

Just stumbled across a blog entitled : "My Daily Movement" And yes...yes it's about exactly what you fear it's about. And clearly I'm sick and twisted, because I thought it was FABULOUS. Really really funny. I have to go now. I'll run not walk to the nearest mental health practitioner !!

Reconnect

2005-05-14T00:07:00.000-07:00

I am really excited !! I did something a few days ago....I joined that "Classmates site" I'm ashamed to say that I'd lost touch with every single one of my school friends thru the years. So I joined, and while there was only one person on the site I wanted to see again...it was one of my two favorites. So at any rate, I sent her a blurb....and she wrote back today. And she sounded as pleased to hear from me as I was to hear from her. She was always so hysterically funny...and I just live for that. I don't have much use for people who don't make me laugh. That sounds bad, doesn't it ? But it's probably true all the same. Hopefully an old friendship is on the way towards becoming a new friendship !!

What ??

2005-05-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

This is embarrassing to admit, but yes, someone had to call me today about a late payment on a credit card, and if that isn't unsavory enough as is, the man on the other end of the phone had such a thick accent( Indian, I think) that I couldn't understand a word he said. I kind of feel sorry for him, because he ended up having to spell EVERYTHING he said to me. And here's the thing.....I'm a liberal, live and let live, we're all equal,everyone's fabulous....sort of person, but really, when this sort of annoyance happens I start feeling like Archie Bunker.
I'm sure he ( the man on the phone chastizing me) is probably a lovely human being, but I wanted to strangle him........Is that wrong ???

Dad

2005-05-13T02:04:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep.......that in and of itself, is nothing new. I'm thinking of my Dad. He wouldv'e been 84 next week, if he'd lived. He had a good life up until he got Alzheimers. A blessed life really. A wife who he adored and who adored him. Really and truly. My Mom and my Dad were like newlyweds. For almost 50 years !!! I only managed a year, if that. Can you imagine 50 years of having your heart skip a beat when your other half enters the room ?? They were lucky !! They treated each other with the utmost respect and love always. My Father was always so gentlemanly towards my mother. They were so sweet together. Can you imagine what it's like to try to live up to that example ?? Neither my sisters nor myself have been able to pull off anything even close. So in love, the two of them. And then my dad started to forget things. Not too alarming at first. I mean he was getting old after all. My memory sucks and I'm 40 years younger than him. He never knew what hit him. One day sitting at my kitchen table and asking me what the ring on his finger was for. He didn't think he had children. He thought I was his cousin. He told me a long detailed story of the dog he had as a young boy. He could only seem to remember things and people from his early life. All the joy and living that my family had shared was lost to him. And once lost...it stayed lost. My mom tried to manage him at home, but it became clear that she couldn't do it anymore. He got out one night after midnight....wandered down to the grocery store, in the cold, looking for his beloved cigars........the only thing that seemed to matter to him anymore. He was completely fixated on his cigars. Thank God a clerk saw a confused old man wandering around the store and called the cops. He could easily have been one of those lost men you read about who are never found til it's too late. So we put him in a nursing home. It was so hard to do. He didn't understand anything. By then he could barely speak. I became very familiar with the other Alzheimer patients in his home, and it's amazing how this disease manifests itself differently...so entirely differently with each individual. Some could speak fine until the end. My Dad couldn't talk the last 2 and a half years. A cruel joke for such an intelligent eloquent man. My Mother went everyday to feed him lunch. Every single day. For 2 1/2 years. He'd light up when he saw her. He didn't know who she was, but somewhere deep down, he knew he loved her. Even towards the end, he'd follow her with his eyes everywhere she walked. And except near the end, he'd laugh/cry everytime we'd show up. We never knew which it was, and we were grateful to not know. My dad was such a good man. He forgot how to remember, than he forgot how to talk, than he forgot how to walk, then he forgot how to swallow, then he forgot how to live. We watched him try to remember how to breathe for the last week. I never prayed so hard or cried so much in all my life. He suffered so much at the end. He was such a good man...didn't he deserve better ??? Yes he did, but then no one deserves that kind of end. None of it makes much sense. But we sat with him, and we prayed. And I asked God to please let my Dad come home now. I didn't want him to suffer anymore. So surreal that I should pray for my beloved dad to die, but I did. And I did it over and over. And I talked to my Grandma....my dads mother; who's been gone for 20 years. And I asked her to comfort my dad, her son. And here's the thing....one night, after coming home from this, I was sitting in my family room, watching t.v. trying to take my mind off of my life for a minute......and I don't know how to describe what happened to me, except to say, that you know the feeling you have in someone's home. Someone you love....you can't describe it, or put your finger on it, but you know it when you feel it. Well I hadn't felt that feeling in 20 years. But all of a sudden that night, after asking my Grandma to comfort her son, I was bathed in the feeling, the smell, the love of my grandmothers home again. And she was letting me know that she'd heard me. I don't know alot of things, but I know that, I just know it. And then my dad died. The hospice people ( who are angels in my eyes) said that sometimes people will wait until their loved ones leave the room, if only for a moment before they go....and my dad did that. He always protected us while he was here. Always tried to sheild us from unpleasant things....and he did again. Maybe it makes me sound nuts, but sometimes I talk to him now, and I feel like NOW he can understand me......for the first time in 3 years. He was my hero, my Dad. He was the finest man I've ever known. !!!

waking my son up...

2005-05-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

What would life be like without the daily high drama of trying to get my 15 year old son up in the morning ??? He won't get up. I've spent more money on alarm clocks for this boy then you would believe. Go ahead, ask me about alarm clocks...I know it all. So the deal is, if he doesn't get himself up, and I have to, then he doesn't get computer privledges for the day, which for him is like denying him air and water. So, every morning he argues with me that he was up....even though his cranium was clearly glued to his wee pillow. So we go back and forth....GOOD TIMES !! I just really am beginning to feel like I'm stuck in that movie "Groundhog Day".

Today I went to the dump.......which I find strangely satisfying !!! My husband has, I believe an extremely mild case of hoarding, so I have to gather stuff up behind his back to get rid of. He has jackets in his closet that are 3 sizes too small, and totally out of style, but he won't get rid of it "because it was expensive". Maybe so, but now it's garbage.

I joined that site "classmates.com" the other day. I'm really excited. I'm ashamed to say that I had completely lost touch with every single friend I'd had in school. There are probably only a handful of people that I'd care to reconnect with, but I do hope i hear from them.

excuse my drivel

2005-05-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is it....my very first blog entry. I'm a nervous wreck. What in Gods name am I supposed to talk about here ??? I'm totally flying blind. Aren't you supposed to plan this out before you just jump in. I made the decision to start this all of 5 minutes ago.....and only because I'm bored, and can't find anything else to do.

I think I'm having a very atypical moment here. I'm generally extremely outspoken and wordy, but I think I'm in shock here. I need to have a glass of wine and lie down. Back later.